caution: im sad. i apologize upfront.

My grandma is the most amazing person I know. She always knew exactly what to say, always wanted to help, always knew how to cheer me up.  It's hard to believe that its been almost three years since she passed. I'm not being dramatic when I say it was the worst day, the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. There are nights, much like this one, where the only thing I want to do is to lay next to her and hold her pretty hand and tell her everything. How angry I am that she has been gone for so long. I would tell her that everyone had changed. I would tell her that no one goes to church anymore and that it breaks my heart. I would tell her that I don't care how selfish I am for wanting everyone to be married again despite any of their problems . I would tell her that I'm mad at everyone for not trying. And I would tell her that I miss Aunt Melissa being in the family and how Aunt Diana needs her more than anyone. And I would tell her that she is the only one I want to be in the temple with me when I get married. And I would tell her that all of the endless talks we had about making right choices worked, and that I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing. And she would know right then how very much I do love her and how our relationship is growing everyday even though she is not here. She was the glue that held my family together. And its clear when I see what my family has become since she passed. It's weird thinking back to a time when we spent holidays together. Laughter and teasing, the smell of the yummiest food filled the house. I would give anything to go back to the last christmas, I wouldn't touch the computer, or my phone, I wouldn't care that I couldn't hang with friends that night. Instead I would go sit in the kitchen, watch my grandma cook, I would laugh with my Aunt Diana and laugh even harder when my grandma would get mad at something we said. And I would see my mom and dad, my aunts and uncles, together. And I would be so happy. The day my grandma died, my family died with her.  Everyone used to be so full of life, it wasn't perfect, but it was a family. And tonight I really want them back.